they burned my child
each piece and every page burned
and she died alone my child
I’ve tried to forgive them
not for their sakes but for mine
not much progress there but I try
I haven’t lost my ability to love
a miracle of being older and wiser
good people are easy to love
the others can be treated kindly or avoided
even so the loss of my child is endless
for the most part I don’t think of or believe in God
in something but not God Holy Spirit maybe
but mostly life the good parts and the bad parts
it’s real it all happens
and I live through it
for awhile at least
and that’s God and Heaven and Hell enough for me
here is another small fact
when my daughter died my child
fear was born
fear that people I love the most will be taken away
that I’ll lose them in some stupid way when I least expect it
so I always expect it
expect that my love will have to do that one more time
encompass death again encompass being to not being in me
whenever my wife goes on a trip or drives off as far as a couple of towns away
I’m afraid . . .
and I pray directly to a God who probably doesn’t exist
and I include the others I love the most the one’s I think might need protecting
two alive but not in my life
two no longer living my sister gone wherever perhaps to nowhere but somehow safe and my daughter who may not be
and one the first name in my prayer
the one I pray for to protect myself the one still here with me
I say God please protect her please bring her home safe
and then because the connection is valuable my reaching out to a nothing that feels like something the state of my mind and heart helpless but active
and I say God take care of my child hold her and protect her then I say protect and I say my second wife’s name and sometimes I say protect and I say my son’s name and sometimes more words and names come tumbling out
tumbling in I mean into me
my consciousness
when it stops I say thank you
I like it . . . that in those few moments of my thoughts
my prayer the God I don’t believe in has power everywhere in each world
life and death and distance love and fear are no different
and each can be touched as one