they burned my child
each piece
and every page
burned
and she died alone
my child
I’ve tried
to forgive them
not for their sakes
but for mine
not much progress
there
but I try
I haven’t lost
my ability
to love
a miracle
of being older
and wiser
good people
are easy to love
the others
can be treated
kindly
or avoided
even so
the loss of my child
is endless
for the most part
I don’t think of
or believe in
God
in something
but not God
Holy Spirit
maybe
but mostly
life
the good parts
and the bad parts
it’s real
it all happens
and I live
through it
for awhile
at least
and that’s
God and
Heaven
and Hell
enough
for me
here is another
small fact
when my
daughter died
my child
fear was born
fear that
people I love the most
will be taken away
that I’ll lose them
in some
stupid way
when I least
expect it
so I always
expect it
expect
that my love
will have to do that
one more time
encompass
death
again
encompass
being to not being
in me
whenever
my wife goes
on a trip
or drives off
as far as a couple of towns
away
I’m afraid
. . .
and I pray
directly to a God
who probably doesn’t
exist
and I include
the others I love the most
the ones I think
might need protecting
two alive
but not in my life
two no longer living
my sister gone wherever
perhaps to nowhere
but somehow safe
and my daughter
who may not be
and one
the first name
in my prayer
the one
I pray for
to protect myself
the one
still here
with me
I say God
please protect her
please bring her
home safe
and then
because the connection
is valuable
my reaching out
to a nothing
that feels like something
the state of my mind
and heart
helpless
but active
and I say God
take care of my child
hold her and protect her
then I say
protect
and I say
my second wife’s name
and sometimes I say
protect
and I say my son’s name
and sometimes
more words and names
come tumbling out
tumbling in I mean
into me
my consciousness
when it stops
I say
thank you
I like it . . . that
in those few moments
of my thoughts
my prayer
the God I don’t believe in
has power everywhere
in each world
life and death
and distance
love and fear
are no different
and each
can be touched
as one